you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
