Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
A bitchslap is in order.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize