I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
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