the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
