I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize