dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Randomize
