I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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