Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
