She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize