How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Girls should come with a carfax report
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize