I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
