He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Rumble strips road head = magical
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
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