I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
