Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Randomize
