nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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