I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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