I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
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