her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
You're like the curious george of whores
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Randomize
