i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize