i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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