I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
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