I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Oh god it's open bar.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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