mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
