You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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