Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
It's never too late to be topless.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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