chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Randomize
