He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
You left your underwear on the fireplace
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
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