Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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