I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
