Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Randomize
