I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Also, beer. Big fan.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
