I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
