My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
You made out with two different species that night
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Randomize
