I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Randomize
