Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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