i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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