and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize