I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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