I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Randomize
