She is in my trunk
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
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