Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
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