we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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