Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
birth control should be required to get into college
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Randomize
