he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
