Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
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