If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
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