oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Randomize
