Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
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