Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
