I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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