if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Randomize
