i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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