I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Houston, we have a squirter
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
