Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Randomize
