tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
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I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
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