So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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