i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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