i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
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