dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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